An unplanned #51

#51.  Take portraits of Pop Pop and Melba.



Dear Pop Pop,

Last Thursday I was flying to Maryland for a friends Bridal Shower.  To pass the time on the plane I decided to enter my 101 list into the Things app on my iphone.  It's a list of 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days.  I have not been doing a good job keeping track and I was trying to get more organized.  #51, was to take portraits of you and Melba.  I wanted to give that gift to you and Melba, and to the family.  I wanted to share my passion for photography with you in that way.  When I typed it into my phone I had to stop and pray.  I knew at that time you were not well, but I prayed and hoped your illness would pass and you would be back to your normal self in no time.  I thought in a few days, B and I will be laying in bed, on the phone with you like usual.  Did you know that's how we are when we talk with you on the phone?  He lays in bed on the phone with you, and I lay next to him and snuggle close so I can hear you too.  B would ask how you were feeling, and you would say you were doing just fine, nothing to worry about (which is what happened about a year ago when you got out of the hospital that time and were back driving your truck already).  We'd laugh and forget our worries for a moment, and...well...it didn't go that way this time around.  This time around I changed my flight and flew to Atlanta to reunite with the family, and say goodbye to you.

I never felt a need to rush and complete #51.  I imagined, like we always do, that I'd have plenty of time.  I added the task to my list, along with taking portraits of either side of our families for a reason.  I wanted to remember those I love, and document my family before it was too late.  I lost my grandparents at a very young age, and understand how precious life with them can be.  But Pop Pop, somehow I thought you were invincible.  I was so thankful to have married into such a wonderful and loving Grandfather like you.  I never thought it would happen like this, but life is like that.  We don't know what will happen next, we don't live each day with a sense of urgency.  But we should.  We should document each moment we can.  We should tell our loved ones we love them.  We should never leave things unsettled.  I'm happy to have been able to tell you I loved you.  

This past week when we watched a slideshow with photographs of you, and as family members shared their old photographs I remembered this is why I love Photography.  I felt inadequate.  I wondered, why do we wait until the end to share this with one another.  I remembered #51 on my list and wondered if I could take a photograph of your Melba that would ever allow me to feel okay with checking off #51.  I wondered if I should just leave #51 undone as a memorial to you.  But that's not what the intention behind #51 was about.

Then this moment happened.  I had left my camera in the van, because I was too nervous.  But thankfully, like usual, Judy had hers and I had taken it from her.   Then B nudged me and helped me see this moment for you. 

It's not a perfect photograph, but it reminds me that it is important to capture all the moments in our life, not just the "happy" ones.  We learn from it all.  When I look at this photograph I feel okay checking #51 off my 101 list.  It's not a happy check.  I don't feel a sense of accomplishment, or pride.  But somehow it feels appropriate for right now, and today, and this week.   It feels appropriate for you, Pop Pop.  Is that okay?  I hope you approve.

I also hope you approve of me sharing it on the internet.  I know how you felt about the internet ; )  I'll be sure to print it out too, and hang it up and remember you always. 

Love you, Pop Pop.

Pop Pop, after I took this I wasn't so nervous about photographing at your funeral anymore and took out my camera.

I hope and pray we will see one another again in Heaven.

Until Then,

I love you.